I often wonder about stupid stuff. I admit it freely. Yesterday I wondered if my plastic leftover dishes were sentient, would they be offended that I kept them segregated by color. I know it's weird, but that's OK; because I don't act out on it. It's not like I wage a war on Tupperware rights. That's right, only we can bring an end to the discrimination!
But I wonder other things, and not just where all my brand new sweat pants went or why can't I have a pair of real functioning hover-shoes. I wonder things like, what is up with all these negative voices?
OK, by now you are like, "WTF? What freaking voices? Are you on crack?"
No! I am not on crack. I am just crazy, not quite shoe crazy, but crazy none-the-less. But I digress. My question is this, why are all these voices that people hear, so damned negative? I mean they tell people to do stuff, and it's never anything good for them. The voices will say things like "Kill Mr. Fluzley with that spatula." Or "The president needs a lead enema" Or "Destroy all the infidels."
This is not fun. This is not constructive. I mean even in the circumstances where it is not life threatening, these voices still seem to lead people down the path of doom. "It's OK to cheat on that test, nobody will ever know." "Go ahead, eat that last doughnut."
OK, I'm sure that someone out there can enlighten me by pointing out various news items highlighting the generosity of people moved to do good by the word of God. But let's face it, most people who have these detailed instructions whispered in their ears, are usually looking for blood and not good feelings.
You never hear about the voice of God telling someone, "Psst, empower your neighbors through kind words and deeds." "Hey, go help people less fortunate than yourself." When was the last time you had someone on TV saying "I lost fifty pounds because God told me to stop eating cheesy poofs!"?
Maybe it's the media, who is more about the bad press than the good. Perhaps it's that people who hear good voices are afraid to speak up and out of fear of being persecuted. Possibly, there is a large contingent of people out there receiving divine instruction, but they are also being told not to tell anyone.
All I know is that the Son of Sam did not get orders to go help solve the problem of global hunger from his neighbor's dog. Which is weird, because most dogs are preoccupied with food. You would think that his crimes would have been more Milk Bone driven.
And the people on the street arguing with God or Satin or whoever is buzzing around in their head, never seem pleased. You have to wonder what instructions they are getting.
Person: No, no! Never! No!
Voice we don't hear: Eat more broccoli.
Person: No, I hate it! Hate it! Don't make me. No!
Voice: It's full of vitamins. The booze will kill you.
Person: No, I can't no. I won't. No. Shut up!
Voice: Come-on. Eat a vegetable. It won't kill you.
Person: Kill, death, no! Shut up! Shut up!
Voice: Suit yourself, it's your liver.
Person: Mine, my liver. Oops, I just peed myself.
Voice: I'm out.
Now you will all have to excuse me, the aliens told me that I need to take care of some stuff.