Why I want to be a supervillain
1) You get to wear cool clothes.
There are very few occupations where it is acceptable to wear black leather and
spandex outside of the sex industry. As a supervillain you are free to
explore a wide range of fabric and style choices, and you get to accessorize
with various kinds of weaponry.
2) You get to use witty banter.
How many times have you gotten to say “seize him!” or “you will pay for your
insolence!” in your nine to five job? I am willing to bet that the
number is slim to none. As a supervillain I would have the option to say
these thing and more. I could spend hours threatening the world’s leaders
with my latest death ray, I could mock mankind and make speeches about how you
will all live to serve me. Sounds like a great day in the office to me.
3) You get to have a cool lair.
As a supervillain you are practically guarantied a cool, ultra-hightech lair
with all the amenities you can imagine. You get super-weapons to protect
it, satellite TV, the best cooks in the world. And best of all, you have
barracks for your…
4) Minions
Yes, you get minions. And who wouldn’t want those? You have armies
of your willing servants, just ready to throw their lives away at your whim.
They’ll clean your house, take care of your pets, wash you ass and do your evil
bidding. Who could ask for more?
5) You don’t have to pay taxes.
Since your income is coming from illegal sources anyway, you don’t have to pay
taxes. Your check is all yours. No stupid FICA taken out of your
World Bank heist. That’s right baby, total tax free income. Oh yeah.
6) You don’t need manners.
While some supervillains choose to have manners, it is not a necessity.
You can be as rude as you want and nobody with say crap. They’re too
scared of your death ray. So belch away, curse over commercial television,
be politically incorrect. Screw it, what they going to do, throw you in
jail?
7) Jail is like a short vacation.
When the man finally gets lucky and catches you, you get a few weeks in maximum
security prison, just until your minions break you out. During your time
there it’s not like you’ll have it bad. You’re a supervillain. The
other villains fear you. They will just give you all their cigarettes and
do your errands. So basically you get to watch bad television and work out
for a while.
8) It is perfectly acceptable to be insane.
That’s right. Complete freedom from accountability. You’re a
supervillain. Nobody expects you to do the right thing. Nobody
expects you to be nice. Nobody expects you to necessarily make sense all
the time. All you need to do is laugh maniacally once in a while, wring
your hands and demand payment. Who cares if it makes no sense? It’s
just what you do.
9) You can have a cat.
Apparently, only supervillains have cats. Superheroes have dogs and
talking blobs and stuff. Cats are so much better than talking blobs and
they are so much easier to train.
10) You get to party all the time.
As a supervillain you are expected to be hedonistic and full of debauchery.
So you can have pretty much any vice, any twisted desires, any taste in music
that you want. You have a death ray, who’s going to stop you?