Collection Agent

Alternative career opportunities


Boot Soal

OK, everyone hates debt collection agents.  The only exceptions are the companies that hire them and some of the agents themselves.  However, people who take these jobs generally suffer from a great deal of self-loathing and other problems, like for example, chemical addiction.  Who can blame them.  The job steals your soul.  Only someone destine for hell would enjoy a position where you get bonuses for capitalizing on other people's misery. 


People tell me that the people who work these jobs have no other job prospects, that they are working at the best job that they could find.   They can't help it if they have to take a job that leaves them regarded highly as a used piece of chewing gum on the sidewalk. So to be fair, I have compiled a list of alternate career opportunities for these poor people, so they can improve their karmic load.




1)  Grave robber.

Grave Robber

Hey, at least these people are dead already and they don't have to kill them prematurely with stress induced ailments.  And since they work at night, they could slowly migrate out of their collections job into it.  Not to mention the exercise they would get from all that digging.  This would definitely be a huge step up.



Drug Dealer2) Drug Dealer

Your giving people what they need, and helping them escape the pain brought on by your kind.  Let's face it, you're already most of the way there.  If you're working a collections job, you're already cracked out.  Just do what they advise you to do in business school, use your hobby to generate income.  You're hobby is crack, so get to it!



3) Pimp


Some of these people have management experience and are used to making employees do unpleasant things under threat of retaliation.  So pimping could be an natural extension of their already well cultivated skills.  Now instead of collecting money from 'dead-beats', they can send their staff to collect it from another kind of clientele. 



Zombie4) Flesh eating Zombie

Debt collectors are minions of the undead anyway.  They're not quite cool enough to be a werewolf or bloodsucking vampire, but they might just be able to make the stretch to flesh eating Zombie.  We'd probably be unable to notice the difference anyway.



5) Rhinovirus 16 (common cold virus)


Common cold

Your simply not threatening enough to be something like Ebola or Anthrax, but you are pesky and debilitating enough to be the common cold.  Go grab yourself a miniaturization machine and dress yourself up as humanities most annoying epidemic.  You can get a bunch of your buddies and setup your viral call center, complete with booger quotas and sneeze monitoring.  And you can do this all from inside your victim.  No more pretext calling.  No more returned mail.  You have direct access, baby!




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